The law of power

We have power over some things, we don't have power over others (including changing people).

It is human nature to try to change and fix others so that we can be more comfortable.

We can't change or fix anyone - but we do have the power to change our own life.

When we ask, ‘how do I get my daughter to…?’ (insert husband, wife, son, sister, neighbour etc.), we show we misunderstand what we can and can’t do, or the extent we have the power to change a relationship. Many of us focus on trying to change the behaviour of others, not ourselves. And we suffer from this. It might seem logical to want to change the behaviour of others so that we can feel better… but this does not work.

We do not have the power to make other people change. We have no power over their attitudes and actions. We can’t make them grow up, we can’t stop them from exhibiting a difficult behaviour, and we can’t force them to stop yelling at us or even to initiate a deep conversation with us.

We are not responsible for the actions, feelings, attitudes, values, or behaviour of others, and the Law of Power says that we don’t have power over these things anyway.

You might want to say: ‘but he made me do it’ or something like that. It is a common argument of people who need an excuse for something that they either knew to be wrong or did not really like to do, but this is an excuse. No one has the power to make us do things against our will. Others can limit our choices and give us compelling reasons to do what they expect from us, but nevertheless we are the ones who choose what we do – and no one else.

These are our powers:

1. We have the power to agree with the truth about our problems. We can identify our own hurtful ways.

2. We have the power to admit our inability to change these ways without accepting our vulnerability and reaching out for support if necessary.

3. We have the power to repent, that is to become willing to turn from unhelpful ways and accept the change that is possible.

4. We have the power to seek reconciliation with those whom we have injured.

One thing is sure, just as we want others to change their ways, others will want us to change our ways. We are powerless outside our boundaries, others are powerless inside our boundaries.

Despite our inability to make others change, we do have the power to influence them. But there is a trick to this. It requires a change in us to motivate others to take a step in our direction. If we change our way in dealing with our family, they may see their way to change as well – both because of a renewed closeness and because some of the old destructive ways simply don’t work anymore.