The law of Motivation

We must be free to say "no" before we can wholeheartedly say "yes".

One cannot actually love another if he feels he doesn't have a choice not to.

Pay attention to your motives.

We have all experienced a situation where we did something that we were not excited about at all, but we felt it was the loving thing to do.

This can cause a problem though. When we act out of ‘sacrifice’ it is not motivated by love anymore. Actually, we will begin to feel resentment and continue to do so more and more reluctantly. And when the loved one feels our displeasure, we will be disappointed to find out that they don’t appreciate our sacrifice at all – because our inward grudging makes the outward act totally worthless.

We can do everything in the world for our family members. If what we do is not motivated by genuine love, or if we complain about all the things “we have to do” then our motives are wrong. A gift must be given out of free choice. We must feel free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes. This is the Law of Motivation.

Giving true love, compassion, requires that we make our choices based on our values and not out of fear. When we say yes, we must make sure that our motives are right, or we may resent it later. If, however, we believe that we have to and can’t say no, we are clearly afraid of the following:

1. We may fear losing the love of loved one or even being abandoned.

2. We may fear to lose the approval of others and do everything to please them.

3. We may fear the other’s anger and can’t just live with anyone to be mad at us.

4. We may fear loneliness and give in to earn “love”.

5. We may fear to be a bad person and believe that to love always means to say yes.

6. We may be afraid of guilty feelings and try to compensate these by “good deeds”.

7. We may fear to hurt the feelings of others who have done good to us. We feel that we owe them.

8. We may overidentify with the other’s disappointment and interpret it as hurt, and we can’t stand to hurt somebody.

Fear always works against love. The “have to” drives out the “want to”. If we let ourselves become slaves to our fears, our giving will not lead to joy. If this is the case we need to examine our motives and work on overcoming the specific fear behind it. When we have a tendency to comply, we should keep in mind that fear drives out love.

The Law of Motivation says that freedom must come before service. Freedom is the key to a balanced lifestyle that fosters growth and love. While the Law of Respect says that we need to let others have their freedom, the Law of Motivation tells us to pay attention to our motives and to make sure that they are based on our freedom.

Of course, this does not mean that we only say yes when we feel like it. This would be plain selfishness. Sometimes our choices will lead us to sacrifice for others and that can actually be uncomfortable and painful for us. But these choices are based on love and responsibility, not on fear.