The law of proactivity

We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs.

Proactive people keep their freedom and they disagree and confront issues but are able to do so without getting caught up in an emotional storm.

This law has to do with taking action based on deliberate, thought-out values versus emotional reactions.

When people, who have been compliant for years, begin to set boundaries for the first time, we often see very intense reactions to boundary violations.

Sometimes they explode in anger about a behaviour they have tolerated for years. While this reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful to get out of a state of powerless compliance, it is not sufficient for establishing long-lasting boundaries that lead to growth.

Reactive boundaries are not bad. In some cases they are necessary, for instance to help a victim of abuse initiate a change. But they are only a first step that helps you find your own boundaries. Once you have found them, you need to go further and establish connections to others that clearly define who you are and what you stand for; what you love, want, and your purpose. These proactive boundaries are very different from the reactive ones, which only tell others what you hate, don’t like, stand against, or will not do.

The Law of Proactivity is to solve problems on the basis of your values, wants, and needs. Proactive people don’t need to demand their rights anymore. They can solve their problems without having to blow up. They live their boundaries actively and don’t have to “do” them, that is to react to violations. They are able to love genuinely and thus do not have to “return evil for evil”. They can turn the other cheek without fear.

The Law of Proactivity has three facets.

1. Reactive boundaries are a necessary part of relationships. We have to go through this phase, without acting out the negative feelings associated with it. Instead we must learn to express that our boundaries were violated in order to practice and gain assertiveness. And in some cases this may mean distancing ourselves from an abusive person to fence ourselves off from further invasion.

2. But, reactive boundaries are not sufficient for growth. Compassion means higher goals than just “finding yourself”, a stage in which many self-assertion courses get stuck. This is just a stage, not an identity. A lot of damage can be done if we don’t grow out of this victim role of constant protest.

3. Proactive boundaries, on the other hand, maintain love, freedom, and reality in relationships. They help us keep our freedom, to disagree, and to confront issues in a relationship while holding on to the love we have for the other. The latter is hardly possible if we stay in the reactive stage.

This law applies differently to people at different points of their growth. You may have your reactive boundaries still ahead of you and need to get started. Be prepared that your reactions will not always be as nice as you want them to and find some caring people who can help you navigate through this difficult phase.

But once you reached that stage, go on. Don’t continue to define only what you hate. Find out what is truly important to you and what you love and value. Begin integrating these positive values into your protests and then start living according to these values.