non violent 
communication

Validation is a tool used by those who love someone with BPD, to develop a positive, supportive relationship.

With validation techniques we learn to acknowledge the emotion that our loved one is communicating, we name the emotion and try to listen to their concerns in a compassionate way.

When we first learn about validation the challenge it represents to us can be overwhelming, we are accustomed to solving problems, we want to find solutions, validation seems so lame a response and so alien to us.

Non Violent Communication takes the concept of validation and extends it, so we can make requests of those we love in a non violent way.

(Non Violent Communication – A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD, published by Puddle Dancer Press Book, CA, USA)

1. Giving from the heart

It is important to reframe our default communication responses to become conscious of how we listen to others and respond. If we are aware of our perceptions, feelings and wants, we open ourselves to being honest, clear, respectful and empathetic: to reach a deeper understanding of our needs and wants and the needs and desires of others.

The NVC Process

Expressing honestly; receiving empathetically involves:

• the concrete actions we observe that effect our well being
• how we feel in relation to what we observe
• the needs, values and desires that create our feelings
• the concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

2. Communication that blocks compassion

Moralistic judgements: e.g. ‘she’s lazy’, are actually expressions of our needs and values. They encourage defensiveness and resistance

Value judgements: e.g. ‘violence is bad, people who kill others are evil’ are again, expressions of our needs and values.

We need instead to ­articulate our needs and values directly e.g. ‘I am scared of violence, I value different ways to resolve conflict’

3.  Observing without evaluating

When we combine observation with evaluation, people hear criticism. It is preferable to express observation not an evaluation. If we make an evaluation, it needs to be specific of time and place.

4.  Identifying and Expressing Feelings

We have a poor vocabulary with which we express our emotions. We often confuse out thoughts with our feelings…..’I feel like an ice-cream!’

Remember, expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.

5. Take Responsibility for our Feelings

What others do may be a stimulus for our feelings, but it’s not the cause. When we receive a negative message we can:

• Blame ourselves
• Blame others
• Sense our own needs and feelings
• Sense others needs and feelings

Beware of speech patterns that can trip us up and mask our personal accountability – compare ‘I feel hurt when you say that’ to ‘I feel hurt when I hear you say that because I want you to say (I love you…. etc)’.

Our needs are at the centre of our feelings

• Judgement of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs
• If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met

6. Requesting that which would enrich life

Using positive language when we make requests, e.g. ‘I would like you to dry the dishes when I wash them.’ Reveals what we want. To be vague leads to internal confusion; when we don’t get what we want it can lead to depression

Requests vs demands:

• We someone hears a demand from us they see two options: rebel or submit
• To tell if it’s a request or a demand, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with
• If it’s a demand the speaker criticises or judges
• If it’s a demand the speaker lays a guilt trip
• It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy towards the other person’s needs.

Defining our objective when making requests: our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.

7.  Receiving Empathetically

Presence – don’t just do something, stand there!

• Empathy – emptying our mind and listening with our whole being. Rid ourselves of all preconceived ideas and judgements.
• Ask before offering advice or reassurance – don’t just assume the speaker who wants our empathy also wants our advice or reassurance.
• Intellectual understanding blocks empathy – When we think about people’s words and connect them to our theories, we look at the speaker, we are not with them.

Listening for feelings and needs:

It doesn’t matter what people say, we are only hearing what they are: observing, feeling, needing and requesting.

Paraphrasing:

Can help us to understand what the speaker is saying, it helps to reflect back messages that are emotionally charged. When we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message, the angst dissipates. Often the speaker won’t trust our motives and needs to understand them better.

Sustaining empathy:

Allow the speaker to fully express themselves before offering solutions or requests. If we go quickly to respond to a request, we may not convey our genuine interest. An initial message might be like an iceberg with a lot more below the surface.

When we stay with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.

We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when 1. We sense a relief of tension, or 2. The flow of words comes to a halt. Remember we can always ask, ‘Is there something else you wanted to say?’

When pain blocks our empathy:

We need empathy to give empathy. We can learn to give ourselves empathy taking only seconds.

8. The Power of Empathy

• Empathy heals. When I have been listened to and heard, I am able to re perceive my world and move on. Note: it’s harder to empathise with those who appear to possess more power, status or resources.
• Empathy and the ability to be vulnerable. The more we empathise, the safer we feel – but we need to have our own empathy needs met for ourselves, which we can do. We can say a lot by listening to other people’s needs and feelings.
• Using empathy to diffuse anger. It is possible to offer empathy in a stressful situation and deflect potential violence. It is preferable to empathise with an angry person than to retaliate. When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as masters. Of course, we are likely to find it difficult to empathise with those who are closest to us.
• Empathy in hearing someone’s ‘No’. We feel rejected when we hear an implicit no in what is said to us. It’s not helpful to take this personally.
• Empathy to revive a listless conversation. It’s preferable to interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
• Empathy for silence. If you are met with silence, try to listen for the possible feelings behind the silence.
• Empathy lies in our ability to be present.

9. Connecting passionately with ourselves

Self-Compassion

In evaluating ourselves when we have been less than perfect: avoid shoulding yourself. When translating self-judgements and inner demands – remember a self-judgement is an expression of an unmet need. Mourning past actions is an opportunity to connect with our feeling and identify our unmet needs. Self-forgiveness means connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action we now regret.

Translating ‘have to’ to ‘choose to’.

1. List all those things you tell yourself you have to do
2. Consider the list and that you accept those things, insert the words, ‘I choose to’ in front of them
3. Identify the reason you chose to: ‘I choose to …..because I want ….’

With every choice be conscious of what need it serves.

10. Expressing anger fully

Distinguish stimulus from cause. No other person is responsible for our anger, not what they say or what they do. We don’t want to give others such power over ourselves. Often to motivate others through guilt, we consciously mix the stimulus and cause, e.g. ‘It really disappoints me when you are not here for my birthday’.

The cause of our anger lies in our thinking – our thoughts of blame and judgement. It is the result of life alienating thinking that is disconnected from our needs. When we are angry we are playing God – we are making judgements and blaming the other person. If we shone a light on our unmet need, we may have strong feelings but not anger.

All anger has a life serving core!

• Anger is a wake-up call: it is in response to life alienating, violence provoking thinking. It uses our energy to seek to punish others. To help use our anger as a wake-up call help identify your needs and practise saying, “I am angry because I am needing…”

Stimulus vs Cause

• When we become aware of our needs, anger gives way to life serving feelings.
• Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
• There are four options when hearing a difficult message:
  1. Blame ourselves
  2. Blame others
  3. Sense our own feelings and needs
  4. Sense other’s feelings and needs
• Judgement of others leads to self-fulfilling prophecies.

Four Steps to Expressing Anger:

1. Stop. Breathe
2. Identify our judgemental thoughts
3. Connect with our needs
4. Express our feelings and unmet needs

Offering empathy first

Before another party can connect with what is going on in us, we need to first offer empathy.

• The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us
• Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in our minds – without judging them
• When we hear another person’s feelings and needs, we recognise our common humanity
• Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain
• People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault

Taking our time

• Practise translating each judgement into an unmet need
• Proceed carefully, think slowly before we speak. Perhaps take a deep breath and say nothing

11. The protective use of force

There are times the use of force is unavoidable. There are two types of force:

1. protective force - to protect injury or injustice
2. punitive force – to cause individuals to suffer for their deeds

• fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying their parent’s demands
• punishment includes judgemental labelling and the withholding of privileges

If necessary, use protective force but it’s best to avoid this in the first place with the communication skills you have learnt. Punitive force is life denying.

12. Liberating ourselves

We can free ourselves from ingrained cultural conditioning.to resolve internal conflicts –

• change our judgemental voice, then

• hear our own feelings and needs and empathise with them.

Caring for our inner environment:

• focus on what we want rather than what went wrong
• defuse stress by identifying our own feelings and needs
• defuse stress by empathising with others

13. The intention behind the appreciation

• Compliments are often judgements – however positive they may be
• Express appreciation to celebrate not to manipulate

The three components of appreciation:

1. The actions that have contributed to our well-being (what you did)
2. The particular needs of ours that have been met (this is what I feel)
3. The pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfilment of those needs (this is the need of mine that was met)

The hunger for appreciation – we yearn to be genuinely appreciated and recognised but we tend to notice what’s wrong rather than what’s right.

Overcome your reluctance to express appreciation…. ‘We don’t know what to say’, ‘we don’t want to embarrass the other person’ – all just excuses. If it’s worth doing it, it’s worth doing poorly than not at all.