Boundary Setting
Boundaries are defined by our values. They are not punitive. They define how we live our lives, not how other people do what we say. They are how we can live with integrity.
As with all our key techniques, at BPD Community we adopt precise definitions of our concepts behind them. The first step in understanding our values is to recognise our values. What is important to us in our lives. Our values are what we define as important to make the world a better place. By this definition, making money is not a value, but showing respect is. For many of us, showing respect is something we feel might be lacking in our everyday world. When another person is disrespectful towards us, we might feel threatened or hurt. So, respect is a commonly recognised value in our BPD Community. If everyone showed respect, we think, the world would be a better place. Can you identify three core values for yourself?
When you know your values, the next step is to turn them around onto you. You might think, for example, that others need to show you respect. Instead, each of us needs to consider how we can show respect to others, to ourselves, to the community and so on. It is incumbent upon us to live by our values, to practise our values.
Finally, when we know our values, when we know how to live by our values, then we can use them to apply our boundaries without those boundaries being a punishment of the other person. Our boundaries exist to protect our values.
It is critical for those who love someone with BPD to understand their values and their boundaries, this is how they learn to support the person with BPD and not enable them.
resources:
books:
Cloud, H & Townsend, J: Boundaries – when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life.
This book is a self-help manual not designed for people with BPD or their families, but for people in general. It has a distinct Christian perspective but this should not impede the valuable learning in this book.
youtube:
Brene Brown Boundaries (5.40 mins) Brene uses the acronym BIG to support her understanding of boundaries: What Boundaries do we need to protect our Integrity so we can make the most Generous assumptions about others. Elsewhere, Brene describes compassion as being both grateful and generous. She helps us take these concepts to a deep personal level.
websites:
- 15 things not to do with someone with BPD, is a blog on Psych Central, an American website. They say to support someone with BPD we need compassion and understanding. The blog provides an analysis of things we should not do.
- Facing the Facts: Do You Have Healthy Boundaries? This short article discusses important aspects of value setting such as defining the values upon which your boundaries are placed.
