The law of Respect

If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs.

If someone in your life is easily angered, you should not dictate to him/her all the reasons that they can't be angry. A person should have the freedom to protest the things they don't like. But at the same time, we can honour our own boundary by telling them, "Your anger towards me is not acceptable to me. If you continue this way, I will have to remove myself from you."

One of the difficult problems that people experience is that their boundaries are not always welcome.

Others seem to get angry if we begin to set limits and we get the feeling that they do not accept us when we say no to them. If we actually experience that, there is often a simple reason. Our boundaries are not respected if we don’t show respect for the boundaries of others. We get all excited about finally being able to say no, but we are not at all excited about hearing no. We demand freedom, but don’t want others to be free to disappoint us. If this is how we feel, we may be in good company. But we have not yet made it beyond the level of children. Children only think about their own rights. Mature adults, however, desire others to be free in the same way they desire freedom for themselves.

If we wish our boundaries to be respected, we need to respect the boundaries of others.

We can’t expect others to do for us, what we don’t like to do for them.

Some people use two different measures: a generous one for themselves and a very strict one for others. They can be quite judgmental when it comes to the life of other people but do not live up to these standards themselves. A judgemental approach is doomed to failure.

Others have their own mind, values, and feelings. If you respect that, you will see love grow in your relationship. If you try to make the other the same as you, your relationship will grow cold.

Of course, this is easier said than done. If we learn to love and respect people who tell us no, they will begin to love and accept our no as well. If we trust ourselves, we will give people around us the freedom to make their own choices, we can begin to trust them.

Our concern with others should not be “are they doing exactly what I want them to do?” but “do they really have a free choice?”. Of course, we should voice our opinion to help them make a wise choice, but we must let them make their own decision.

No one likes to be hit over the head with a new set of “rules”. If you want your family member to accept your new boundaries, make sure that they feel that their boundaries are accepted as well. Sometimes this means that you have to ask a few questions that can be quite uncomfortable for you, like:

• Do you feel I respect your right to say no to me?

• Do I give you guilt messages, withdraw, become angry, or attack you when you set a limit? • Will you let me know the next time when I don’t respect your freedom?

It is not easy to ask these questions, because they are humbling. But they show your sincere concern and love for the other. And they can bind your relationship. However, if your relationship is burdened by problems and you can’t really trust the other anymore, you may feel that you are putting yourself in the hands of someone who could use your respect against you. There is a certain risk that this may actually happen. However, even untrustworthy people need to have their legitimate needs and boundaries respected. Of course, you can’t allow yourself to be harmed by anyone. But you can respect their needs and still set limits on their untrustworthiness.

For example if your loved one is angry, you can’t dictate to them not to be angry. They have the right to protest what they do not like. However, you might tell them that their way of expressing their anger is not acceptable for you and that – for your own protection – you have to distance yourself from them – for instance by leaving the room – if they cannot find other ways to express their anger. It may not be advisable to say this while they are enraged, but you need to find a situation when to express this to. Respecting and valuing other’s boundaries is the key to a close and loving relationship. When you extend love to give freedom to your loved one, you will reap freedom in return.

The 5 out of 10 rule:

If a person is frequently and easily enraged, it is helpful to set some mutual boundaries around this. When others are easily enraged, we are also easily upset and distressed and angered, this is why the 5 out of 10 rule is important.

To understand this rule, we need to appreciate that if a person is angry to a level of 5 out of 10, then it is not easy for them to come back down to a calmer state of mind. In this case, it is not realistic to expect to resolve any concern, in the moment, because emotions are running high and flooding the mind and body. To settle down to a level where it might be possible to resolve a situation requires time out, the parties need to take time out for themselves to calm down. They may also need to place distance between each othe

It is advisable to jointly make a 5 out of 10 rule before it is likely to be used, when everyone is calm. The people concerned would need to agree that if they felt angry 5 out of 10, or if they felt the other person was angry 5 out of 10, then they could call time out. If this happened, then they would need to agree when and perhaps where they could meet again to resolve the concern that created such an angry response.