The law of evaluation

We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others.

Do our boundaries cause pain that leads to injury?

Or do they cause pain that leads to growth?

Sometimes setting boundaries can be very difficult because we may actually hurt somebody else.

A simple example may illustrate this. If we have to go to a dentist because of a cavity, he will certainly hurt us when he drills our tooth. However, he will not harm us but make us better. On the other hand, the sugar that gave us the cavity did not hurt us – but it certainly did harm to our teeth.

Hurt and harm are not the same, although many people confuse these two ideas. It is true: physical pain often indicates a physical injury. But this is not always true otherwise. Just because someone feels pain does not necessarily mean that something bad is happening. Actually, something good may be going on, such as a loved one learning to grow up.

And this is the essence of the Law of Evaluation: we need to evaluate the effects our boundaries cause others. Do they cause pain that may lead to growth – or do they cause pain and lead to injury?

Correction can be painful for the one who receives it. It helps to remind ourselves that correction prevents harm instead of causing it. But setting limits that harm is unloving. They do not aim at growth but more at revenge.

Finding the right balance is not easy. We actually have to think through the consequences of setting or not setting boundaries and then choose wisely. These are hard decisions to make, as it is easier not to think through the consequences. Yet, when we decide to set boundaries that may cause pain to someone we love, we need to see how this hurt is helpful and sometimes the best thing we can do for our relationship. This enables us to empathize with our loved one’s feelings without changing our mind.